I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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