i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
