My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This is my gift to your gina
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
