I could make wine with my vomit
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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