I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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