I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
