Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
