the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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