so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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