Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
