someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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