This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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