Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
