i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
