Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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