i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
