you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
