So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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