Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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