if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
