I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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