Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
high people should be assigned attendants
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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