Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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