We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
