after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
