Me too!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
