I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I met the friendliest cop last night
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize