My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
