what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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