Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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