Your face is a jimmy john
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
