I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize