Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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