you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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