He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
