are you still at the devil's house?
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
40s are totally the cure
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
