Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
