He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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