Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
