My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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