i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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