hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize