i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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