Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize