Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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