Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
