The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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