Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
