Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
