just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
