so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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