Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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