Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
