You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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