I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
