how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
