umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
