I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize