Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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