and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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