im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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