Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize