I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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