White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize