If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
