I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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