ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
