can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize