Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
